Secret White House list of demands for fiscal cliff resolution leaked to Natural News (satire)

November 30, 2012

President Obama has dispatched U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner to negotiate a solution to the "fiscal cliff" debt ceiling with Republicans. The negotiations are being carried out in secret, but a copy of Geithner's secret demands were leaked earlier today to Natural News.
This list explains why U.S. Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell "burst into laughter" upon hearing the demands, as has been reported in the mainstream media.
Here's the full list of the ten demands:

Top 10 secret White House demands for resolving fiscal cliff negotiations

1) Change the federal tax rate to 75% for all businesses except those which are "friends" of the Obama administration, in which case the federal government actually pays you huge bonuses to LOSE money.
2) Officially alter the rules of mathematics so that deficits are no longer called "negative" numbers, because that makes things sound too negative. Require all economists to "stay positive" when discussing government expenditures and financial projections.
3) Merge the USDA with Monsanto to create more "efficiencies" in government approval of genetically modified crops.
4) Reduce federal spending by creating a "Reduce the Federal Spending Agency" whose job it is to monitor the spending of all other federal agencies except the ones that don't wish to be monitored. This means the "Reduce the Federal Spending Agency" will essentially monitor itself and produce reports on how much money it is spending producing reports on spending. "We've run out of the forms we use to order more forms!"
5) By government decree, divide the numbers on all currency and prices by ten so that everything suddenly appears to be ten times cheaper, tricking consumers into buying more stuff they don't need, thereby stimulating the economy.
6) Authorize a nationwide "TSA liposuction ethanol" federal program to suck the body fat out of the bellies and butts of overweight TSA agents and convert it to ethanol fuel so that obese TSA goons can literally "power America" by eating more muffins and cupcakes they confiscate from travelers because muffins might be terrorist weapons. (Ya never know...)
7) Enact a new federal "fluoride tax" that requires every American to pay $5,000 a year to the federal government as compensation for the "benefits" of drinking fluoridated water. Also declare nuclear radiation to be a "health benefit" of Obamacare, and assess a radiation tax following the next nuclear accident.
8) Achieve economic equality in America by recruiting the U.S. military to air-drop billions of freshly-printed federal reserve notes on all the poor, inner-city neighborhoods that voted for Obama. (Imagine the boom in crack sales alone!)
9) Enact a new federal tax on all Salvation Army holiday donations, transforming all those Santa-like bell-ringers into jolly federal tax collectors.
10) As China holds about one-third of U.S. debt, pay off China with currency laced with melamine, lead and mercury to make up for all the toxic products China ships to the USA, and we'll call it even.
Oh yeah, and eliminate all deductions, period. Because the subtraction symbol is just too negative.
I can't imagine why anyone would find these proposals laughable. To restore America to greatness once again, we have to be BOLD in our efforts to raise government "revenue" while massively increasing spending to make up for it, right?

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